WHAT IF THE TROTTERS WERE IN LOCKDOWN?

With the corona virus affecting all of us, I thought a laugh or two would help in these difficult times. With so many options available, one family instantly came to mind.

I give you

Trotters Independent Traders

or

T.I.T.

for short

"Here, what's all this Covert 19 rubbish? The telly is full of, do this, but don't do that. I reckon it's some undercover work by the MOD to scare us. You mark my words Rodney, it's all about control, and sooner or later we'll have to show our passports to get a drink down the pub."

"What's wrong with you, Del? People are dying from this, Corona virus."

"The only virus I know is the one on my computer. Have you fixed it yet?"

"Now don't you start on me, Derek. You know the part hasn't arrived."

"Yeah! Well, maybe you haven't chased the company that makes the bits yet."

"Due to the virus, the company you refer to is shut. Don't you get it, Del, we're only supposed to go out for essential supplies and keep our distance from other people."

"Try telling that to Marlene. You should have seen Boycie's face when she gave me a real smacker after I pinched her bum yesterday."

"You're not even listening. I give up."

"What did you say? No, never mind, I've been reading about this geezer in the papers, you know the one who makes a living setting us for a big fall and saying we're a pair of plonkers."

"So what, Del."

"Well, he got us all wrong in his last post, bruv. I mean, pot pourri, Rodders. He banged on about us being stupid. Yeah! Right! But he's gone too far this week picking on Albert. He says Albert's always walking around in circles."

"Well, at the moment, he is. I've just seen him down in the car park."

"Come over here and take another look, Rodders. For a start, Albert is not walking around in circles. Nah! I had one of them tricycles in the lock-up and he’s riding it in the car park, collecting money for a charity. You should see how much dosh he’s collected already."

"What charity? Anyway, why would this reporter denigrate us like that, Del? I've got a few GCSE’s and you’ve got a talent for, well you know."

"Careful Rodney, you forget I’m the mastermind of this operation so no delegation here. And remember, charity begins at home."

"Mastermind? More out of your mind if you ask me."

"What did you say, bruv?"

"Nuffink."

"Good! As I was saying, this rich geezer probably lives abroad in some posh place in the sun. And all he does for a living is to take the piss out of us. Sacre blue, Rodney."

"Wot? You think he’s into blue films? I’ve always fancied watching a real raunchy one of them. Do you fink he’d do us a deal on a job lot, Del?"

"No, no, you plonker. Mon merde! Now what? Who’s knocking at the door? Answer it, Rodney."

"It’s only me Del Boy. I lost the tricycle, sorry."

"You did what, uncle?"

"Some geezer came up and asked if he could have a go."

"And you let him, Albert?"

"He was really pushy, Del."

"Give me strength. Let go of me Rodney as I swear I’ll chuck you out of that bleeding window along with Able Seaman Trotter."

"I don’t know why you’re so angry. I made him pay beforehand."

"Oh yeah? How much did you get then?"

"Twenty quid."

"Luvvly jubbly! You're not as stupid as you look, Albert. Give it to me then. Now, I’m going down the Nags Head for a pint to get away from you two dopey sods. I might even get a takeaway on the way home."

"Hold on Del, what about the car? It's been resprayed but you said you'd get the motifs done today."

"Mange tout, mange tout. I'll do it tomorrow, bruv."